I go straight to my room and into the bathroom. I take my clothes off and throw them into a corner. I wish I could burn them. I can’t stand the sight of Josie’s torn and dirty jacket. There are blood stains on it. Is it mine – or theirs? I shower and try to scrub their stench off. I can smell them on me, their sweat, their blood, their piss. I crank the shower hotter. I’m shivering with cold. My knees give way and I slowly slide down the tiles until I’m in a heap on the floor. The hot water is splashing down on me. I wish I could drown myself in there.

I never got a good look at their faces. But I hear their voices, laughing, spiteful, hateful voices. I can feel their hands grabbing me, their fists hitting me, their feet kicking me. I don’t want to remember. I press my palms against my temples and I want to scream, but my throat is tight. I can’t breathe. I gasp and swallow some water. I cough. The steam is suffocating me, I need to get out.

I crawl under my bed’s duvet and try to sleep. I shut my eyes tight and dig my fists into them. Remy is there, beaming like the sunlight itself. Then the world tilts and he’s gone. His dead body on the pavement. Blood everywhere. The body is me. I’m surrounded by dead bodies, faceless bodies. They turn and crawl towards me, arms outstretched. They’re Louis and Lestat, their faces splattered with red. I wake up screaming.

I push my head underneath my pillow. Try to shut out the images running through my brain in infinity loop. Some are memories, some are my mind’s own creations, but they’re just as real. I never saw their bodies, I was too far gone for that. But I heard the noises. The vampires didn’t just kill them or drain their blood. They butchered them, tore them apart, completely berserk. And why? Because of me…

They were the worst, evil, foul scum of the earth. Vile, drunken, despicable scum.

They see a scrawny black kid, alone. They feel strong in their group and they harass the kid.

Did they deserve to die?

They beat the black kid to a pulp, break his nose, ribs, skull.

Did they deserve to die?

They try to assault the kid.

Did they deserve to die?

I curl up in a fetal position. My sobs come out in broken gasps until I fall into darkness again. Remy is there. Remy smiles at me. His hands cup my face and then his lips touch mine. I can feel his warmth. I open my eyes to find a small, warm body next to mine. It’s Barney keeping watch over me. I pull him closer, bury my face in his soft, silky fur. He doesn’t struggle, generously grants me to manhandle him and starts purring with the sound of an old diesel engine. I fall asleep with the cat’s clean, earthy smell in my nose.

In the morning, Barney is still at the foot of my bed, huddled up and dozing. My movement startles him awake. He blinks at me with heavy eyes, yawns, changes position and goes back to sleep. I follow his example. The next time I wake up, I’m drenched in sweat and my heart is racing. I feel sick and barely make it into the bathroom where I throw up in the toilet until there’s nothing left inside of me. I wash my face and I have another shower. My body is healed, not even a bruise left. But I can still smell them on me.

There’s not a shred of doubt in my mind that I would have died behind that dumpster last night. Louis and Lestat saved my life. Why? I’m nothing to them. Just their walking blood bank. Replaceable. Worthless. These men died. Their lives were taken from them. Because of me. They died because I was there. The guilt is eating me up. I stick my head further under the shower head. Drowning still doesn’t work.

When I come out of the shower, Barney is gone, but there’s a pile of fresh clothes on the stool, which wasn’t there before. I put them on and join Mari in the kitchen. Barney greets me with a sympathetic “mow” (rhymes with “wow”) and rubs his head against my shin. Mari clatters and bangs her pots and pans with a little more force than necessary, and I wonder if – and what – the vampires have told her. Before I can say anything I have a plate of hot food in front of me. French toast with maple syrup and fresh fruit. My favourite. My stomach revolts, so I just pick at some mangoes and then shove the plate away from me. Barney jumps onto the table and sniffs curiously at the food but he’s more of a savoury guy.

I get up. I don’t know what to say. Mari takes one look at me and throws her arms around my neck, giving me the tightest hug. Her hands rub my back. I feel tears welling up in my eyes again. I kiss her cheek and then leave the house without saying a word.

I feel restless. It’s midday and the streets are busy. People keep bumping into me, people who are loud and cheerful. I need to get away from them, I need quiet, I need peace. I sit on a bench in the park and hide my face between my knees. I’m so tired. I long for oblivion but every time I close my eyes the images come back and jerk me awake. Someone sits on the bench beside me. I flinch and scramble away, then I realize it is just an old granny.

I can’t stay here. Soon the sun will set and the thought terrifies me. I can’t go back to the vampires and see their bIood smeared faces. I want to go home. I want to go to Josie’s.

I realize I don’t have any cash. Of course not. I left all my money at Josie’s thinking I would get paid by the vampires in the evening. I did get paid, but it was with my life. I dry heave behind an Azalea bush. There’s just nothing left in me anymore.

I find a guy and offer him a hand job. He agrees and we go behind a tree where I jack him off. He gets a little handsy and starts fondling me. I grind my teeth, the memory of hot, stinking breath on my neck still too fresh. I try to shut my mind off and finish him off quickly. He comes in my hand. I don’t have a tissue, so I wipe it off on some plants nearby. It makes me feel sick. I take the money and get the bus to Josie’s. I lost my appetite for nightly strolls.

Josie is surprised to see me again on her doorstep. I don’t blame her, it never happened so soon before. I can’t talk, so I just go up to my room wordlessly and I take shelter beneath the bed. Soso is ecstatic to find her “Unkie Lell” at the breakfast table the next morning. I can see Josie stealing glances at me, but she can’t see any physical signs, that would explain my return. She can probably see in my eyes that something is off.

Thanksgiving comes and goes, then Christmas. I’m still at Josie’s. There’s a text from the vampires on New Year’s Day asking if I wanted to come around. It’s not the usual invite, more like a casual question. I switch my phone off. No-one has my number anyway except Josie, Mari and the vampires. Money is starting to become an issue. I don’t dare to hustle in the neighbourhood, but the thought of returning to the streets is making my skin crawl. I’m using some of Soso’s college fund, but it won’t last forever. I try doing odd jobs here and there, I go grocery shopping for Mrs Batiste and it earns me a 10er. I help out with deliveries at Big Mal’s grocery store, where Josie works. It’s good work. Physical work, that makes me tired and sometimes sleep at night. But it’s not enough and I can’t ask Josie for money. I think about selling my phone and switch it back on to see if it is still working.

It does and there’s a text from Mari wishing me a happy Mardi Gras. It’s a month old. Then another one pops up. It’s from Louis. “We have a gift for you. Come by anytime at your convenience.”

He sent it on my birthday. My 21st. I feel so old.

A week later I find myself outside 1132 Royal Street. I shiver slightly, which has nothing to do with the temperatures. I watch the house and chain-smoke one “pucho” after the other. I watch Mari leave. I want to go over and apologize for not saying good-bye, but I don’t. Night falls and then the door opens and two tall, slender figures emerge. The moment they step onto the street, their heads turn in unison and they look straight at me. Damn mind-readers. They wait for me to come over, and I do, hands stuffed in my pockets, not sure why I’m even here.

“Hello Louis, Lestat,” I say and nod at them. I avoid looking at their faces. Louis exchanges a look with Lestat and they invite me to come in. They ask me to sit down in the parlour. Lestat pours me a diet coke – did he remember? – and Louis goes to my room – my former room – and comes back with something squishy wrapped in brown paper.

“Happy birthday, Wendell,” he says sheepishly, placing the parcel in my lap.

I unwrap it and find a black jacket with the symbol of the New Orleans Saints on the back.

“You got me another one?” I ask baffled.

Louis shakes his head, “No, this is yours. You left it here. Mari cleaned it and repaired it up for you.”

Now that he mentions it, I can make out the lines where it got ripped and the gazillions of tiny stitches it must have taken to repair them. They’re hardly visible. I rub my eyes as they’re in real danger of overflowing again. Fuck me, when did I become such a pussy?

Lestat clears his throat, “There’s something else in there actually.”

I look around the parcel and find an envelope. There are two tickets inside. “The Vampire Lestat Returns – For One Night Only,” they say. Tickets for an exclusive, intimate gig at Preservation Hall in the French Quarter next month. All proceeds go to Covenant House in New Orleans. I don’t know what to say.

“They’re for you and Josie,” Lestat explains, and I can see our names printed on the tickets. “If you – or Josie – want to bring someone else, just let me know. I might know someone who can get you extra.” He winks at me. Tears are now rolling down my cheeks.

“And there’s something else,” Louis continues. He goes to a basket in the corner by the fireplace and returns with three small kittens, which look oddly familiar. “Barney is a girl,” Louis grins, “and these are her babies. We want your niece Sophia to have one, once they’re old enough.”