I keep my promise to my sister. I stay in contact. I call every other week from the diner, and I visit from time to time. Sometimes I only stay for a meal, sometimes a night, sometimes a few days.

I was overdue for another visit when I met the vampire. I didn’t think it would mess me up that bad.

All I want to do is go to my big sister and let her comfort me. Crawl in my bed and in my old room and cry myself to sleep. In case I still have enough juice left inside me for tears.

But I can’t. I look a mess, and I know it. Josie would freak out if she saw me like this. My clothes are drenched in blood, my own blood – God dammit, couldn’t he have been a bit more careful with my blood? – and I threw up on myself. There is vomit everywhere. I’m so cold, my teeth are chattering, even though it’s a warm night in summer. And I’m thirsty, so thirsty.

It takes me several attempts to get on my feet, and my head is swimming.

I know I can’t stay where I am, not in the state I’m in, so I make my way down the street. I keep close to the buildings so I can hug the walls in case I lose balance, which I do regularly. Thankfully, my boy T-Jay’s usual spot isn’t too far.

T-Jay and I became friends, sort of. Sometimes clients fancy a little threesome, and T-Jay likes the way I look, so one day he asked if I’d be interested. Of course, I was. It was good money.

T-Jay is a Latino boy, a few years older than me, longer in the business. He’s lean but shorter than me and usually wears his thick black curls hidden under a bandana. He looks like a fucking pirate, but he’s alright. Never tried to rob me.

He has a room where I can crash sometimes or take a shower. Sometimes we fuck. Just for fun and for the company. But he’s not my boyfriend or anything. He actually says he prefers the girls, says they’re softer and taste sweeter. But what’s life without a little variety?

And we started to look out for each other.

So the night I met the vampire, I stumble until I find T-Jay. He takes one look at me and takes me to his room. He doesn’t ask questions; he just gives me some of his clothes. I crash on his couch and drink gallons of water.

I can tell he’s nervous about the blood. He can’t get in trouble with the cops, and there’s quite a lot of blood. He doesn’t know it’s all mine. So the next day or so (I’m a bit fussy about details), I give him some of the money the vampire left me and that I found in my back pocket (there’s a lot more than we agreed on!) and take the bus to Josie’s. I usually walk, but I can afford the bus right now, and I simply don’t have the energy for walking. Even taking a few steps has me wheezing like a broken steam engine.

Josie freaks when she sees me. Even though I wear T-Jay’s semi-clean clothes and all traces of blood and vomit are gone. I guess I still look like the walking dead. I actually don’t want to look into a mirror.

I can tell Josie wants to yell at me, but she sees I’m not up for it, so she sends me to my room – walking upstairs almost kills me, and I need to sit down and take a break halfway – and brings me soup and bread.

I stay at Josie’s for some days – I really lost track of time – and drift in and out of sleep. Every time I wake up, there’s a tray of food and a bottle of water. Sometimes a Diet Coke. Soso keeps me company. She crawls in my bed with me for her afternoon nap, and her warm, soft body snuggled up to mine. Soso shows me the pretty dress she got for her birthday. I’m pretty sure it used to be one of Josie’s old T-shirts, but I admire it nonetheless.

As soon as I feel strong enough, I take the rest of the vampire’s money and buy Soso the prettiest doll I can find. Then I go to a car dealer and try to buy Josie a car. Nothing fancy, just four wheels and a roof. But I realise I still don’t have enough. So I head back home and surprise Soso with her new doll. She’s delighted, claps her pudgy hands together and covers my face with kisses. The doll’s name on the box is Bijou, and I read it out for Soso, but she keeps calling her Boo Shoo.

Josie frowns. She knows I usually don’t have that kind of money. But I think she’s too afraid to ask what I had to do for it.

Then I tell her about the car, and she gets real mad and slams down a tin box in front of me. She’s been saving money for a car for months; she doesn’t need her baby brother’s dirty money to buy a damn car. Eventually she’ll get to it. I tell her it’s not drugs. I don’t do drugs, and I don’t sell drugs. I don’t have the heart to tell her I sell my ass. But I can’t tell her how I got the vampire’s money either.

She just looks at me. This is the first time I half-admitted to her what I do. That I’m selling my body. Because what else is there to do on the streets? It’s either drugs or sex. Of course, she had a hunch. Why else does she always stuff packages of condoms in my duffel bag whenever I come to visit? But I guess suspecting is one thing, but hearing it confirmed is another. She storms out of the room and leaves me and Soso alone, who’s clutching her new doll to her body, eyes wide and in shock. The doll’s name is now Boo Boo.

The next day I have a plan. When Josie is at work, I go down into the kitchen, take the money from the tin can and go back to the dealer. Together with the vampire’s money, it is just enough to buy the car. A small red thing, something Korean or so. Probably older than the dealer tells me, but it works, and that’s all that matters.

I proudly present my purchase to Josie when she gets back, and this time she really loses her shit.

I thought she’d be happy, but she yells that deaf Mrs Batiste down the road probably understands every word. Calls me a thief for stealing her money, a fucking rent boy and a junkie. Then she takes my stuff – basically T-Jay’s clothes that she washed for me – and throws it out the door and tells me to get the fuck out and never come back. That she never wants to see my fucking face ever again. She tells me to go to hell. I can hear Soso crying as I grab my things and leave.

I can’t go back to T-Jay’s, but my duffel bag with my few worldly possessions is still in my hiding place where I left it the night I met the vampire.

I go back to the streets that have become home, to my old life. I spent all of the vampire’s money on Josie’s car – she better be using it, dammit! – so I go back to doing the only thing I know how to do. Be the fucking rent boy.

I’m still pretty weak, though. Every little exertion leaves me wheezing for air, and one time I even pass out while some skinny white bloke fucks me. It obviously freaked him out – he probably thought he killed me – so he just leaves me lying in a back alley. Even left me the money he paid up front. I spend most of my days sleeping and only go on the prowl when I need the money desperately.

It’s winter when I see Josie again. She’s at the diner, where she took me to all those years ago, and talks to the plump, black waitress behind the counter. Rosalie knows me, but she shakes her head. Nope, she’s never heard of a guy called Wendell Dupree. Josie doesn’t know I’m using Remy’s name on the streets. Josie shows Rosalie a picture on her phone. Probably the selfie she took with me and Soso last Christmas. Rosalie shakes her head. God bless her soul.

I’m watching the scene from across the street where I’m bundled up under some blankets and a sleeping bag. I want to go to Josie, tell her I’m sorry, and can she forgive me, please? But I’m too weak and too ashamed to get up.

Josie leaves without seeing me. But she comes back. The next day. Suddenly she cowers in front of me. I haven’t moved much since the previous night. Just to take a piss around the corner. There’s still blood in my pants. The last client… well… things didn’t go quite as planned. There are bruises all over my body, but mostly on the lower parts, and I’m bleeding. Moving hurts, so I try to avoid it. When I see Josie, I try to hide underneath my blanket. She said she never wanted to see my fucking face again and to go to hell.

Pretty much feels like I’m in hell right now; I only thought hell was supposed to be warmer. Josie takes my hands – it takes some searching to find them below the different layers – and tells me she’s taking me home. I don’t have the energy to argue and wince when she helps me to get up. Bloody hell, it hurts! I can’t look Josie in the eye. The fucking rent boy got himself fucked up real bad. Josie helps me into the car – so she is using it! – and we drive to the house.

We don’t talk.

When we enter the house, Josie says that Soso is at Mrs Batiste’s. Rosalie called her earlier that evening and told her maybe there was a boy after all, looking like the one in the picture. Josie didn’t know how long it would take to find me – and in what state I would be in – so she asked Mrs B to take Soso for the night. She runs me a hot bath with some frothy bubbles, but when she sees me leaning against the door frame ready to collapse, she comes over and starts undressing me.

I don’t care that my sister sees me naked. I care that she sees my bruised and messed-up body. She tries not to flinch, guides me to the bath, washes me, then dries me with the softest towel she can find and puts me into a bathrobe. I let her handle me like I’m Boo Boo the doll. Then she takes me to the living room, where I am surprised to see a Christmas tree. She puts a mug of hot cocoa in my hands and says, “Well, it’s Christmas, you big doofus!”

She sits across from me, looking at me. I still try to avoid her gaze as I sip the hot liquid. I wonder if my blood tasted just as good to the vampire. Josie says that she asked Soso what she wants for Christmas this year. The only answer she got was Unkie Lell. I cry and fall asleep.

I wake up a few hours later. I had a nightmare, but I can’t remember the details. Only that I was frightened. My sudden movement wakes up Josie, who’s asleep on the armchair across from me. She gets up and brings me some water.

Then she asks me who Remy is. Rosalie must have told her. I hesitate. I’ve not talked about Remy to anyone.

I decide to start from the end. Does she remember the boy who got shot in the face by some gang-banging idiots? Yes, she does. Well, he was my boyfriend. She says nothing. But nods slowly, understanding dawning in her. And then I start talking. Tell her how I fell in love with him the moment I saw him. His warm green-brown eyes and his big smile. The kind of smile that lights up every room. Even the really dark ones. How I thought he’d never see me in the same light. How my stomach exploded with butterflies when he kissed me. Every time we kissed.

I don’t go into details, but I hint that we maybe did a bit more than just kiss. I tell Josie I loved being with him. That I loved him. That he made all the bad things in my life go away when I was with him. And when he died, something died in me, too. I’ve not felt happy – or anything at all – since then. Josie lets me talk. She only nods here and there, and I can see her fingers clench around the glass she’s holding. When I’m finished, she sits next to me and hugs me.

I cry into her shoulder and fall asleep again, this time without nightmares.